IF...

You know the drill... play along... I said play along dammit!

If..

You could name the worst song to wake up to in the morning, what would it be?
Any of the new System of A Down songs I've heard.

Your house were to be haunted by the ghost of one person from history, who would you wish it to be?
Have to go with a old standby. Abraham Lincoln. His stories would be fascinating and he seemed to be have a personality and homespun with that would be easy to deal with.

You were to pick a city whose character best represents your own personality, which would you choose?
Not sure, possibly Portland. I like the mix it has although the weather can be a bit suck. A bit new with some history to it. Has some culture and city life to it, but never to far from being able to dump the rat race for the outdoors.

You could have one free service in your home every day, what would you take?
Well, if we exclude the obvious, then I would love to have someone to keep the clutter organized and put away in my room

Put down the Kool-Aid and Step Away From The Ledge

I was over and my Dad's standing around as they were watching Fox News. One of the talking heads had Rosie O'Donnell on there. Now, I will admit to the fact I go in with a dislike of her, since I think she is no-talent bag of hot air. I don't hear much, but then she spouts off that Bush should be tried as a war criminal.

Hoookay. I don't think much of Dubya, but that is stupid. Her immediate backing statements were that he lied to the American public about going to war. I couldn't catch much more. It's shitheads like her that screws it up for us moderate Democrats. There are plenty of of us good middle of the road folk who work towards compromise and then we get torpedoed when we get too many true believers alienating eveyone else. I call her and those like her, howler monkeys since they are not really bright but make a lot of noise.

Both sides of the political fense there are these howlers who ramp up the demagoguery to 11. And unless there is some crisis, the majority of the good citizens pretty much ignore them. These are the people who are on "your side" but you don't want them there because they are just flat out fucked up. Think Michael Jackson giving you his Good Parenting Seal of Approval. Most actors spouting off about politics make moderate Dems cringe. The religious right in general usually makes the moderate Republicans shake their head.

What is really irritating now is that we've been in something akin to crisis mode for far too long. The howlers are loving this. They get to run around either doing Chicken Little impersonations or trying to intimidate people into stepping in pace. They are keeping every hot button topic alive and well, keeping them at the forefront so their moment in the sun goes into Daylight Savings. Don't get me wrong, we should keep a good eye on what is going on and fight for what we believe in. These pricks always seem to be in a fight, even if the other side is walking away, bored. Fight your good fight, put pick your battles now and then.

All I ask, is tone the rhetoric down. Bush isn't going to strap on an ivory handled revolver, don a SS uniform and blitzkrieg the Middle East. Gay's getting married isn't going to destroy the foundation to anything worth keeping. Stop shouting and listen to what each other has to say.

P.S. Dick Cheney is an evil, money grubbing cocksucker who would launch a preemptive strike on the Girl Scouts if they were in his way. All true.

Retail Concepts

In discussing shopping with some friends I decided that there needed to be a more male-oriented destination store. I present you with:

Firearms, Porn and Football 'R Us

Originally it was Firearms, Lesbian Porn and NFL 'R Us, but I felt we need to go for a slightly larger demographic. All about broader horizons, people.

Ladies, drop the guys off here and the shooting ranges and video booths will keep them entertained and not whining about how many pairs of shoes you try on.

Men, also look for our niche store; Beer, Barbeque and Baseball. With these two new exciting stores Engler Retail Concepts will take care of all your shopping needs, and if it doesn't... enjoy going to The Gap. Pussy

Would Someone Please Bury Terry

"Enough is enough," said Democratic Sen. Ron Klein. "I don't want to see it on TV any more, I don't want to hear politicians talk about it. Let her be at peace."

Ron pretty much sums up my feelings on the Schiavo case. I got sick and tired of hearing about it. I thought it was about finished. Nooo, Jeb "I need to keep my name going nationally with the Right" Bush feels a prosecutor need to look into possible discrepancies with 911 call.

For fucks sake, they couldn't find any evidence of wrong doing. You are going to hang a case on a guy's screw up with time. I'm not even saying he didn't have a hand in her condition, but they have nothing! I screw up timing constantly and that's not even under pressure, so you are going to try and hang this guy on this thin basis because you couldn't get your way before. If something worthwhile comes up fine, but otherwise stop fishing.

I got a sneaking suspicion there are other people still alive who need this kind of personal attention

Tut Tut

The Tutankhamun exhibit is in Los Angeles, something I definitely will see. Egyptology is fascinating.

I Read in newspaper that the recreation of what he looked like has caused some controversy. One team of scientist determined that he was caucasoid, while another team of scientists determined he was negroid. Well, of course the fairly white skinned model of Tut got some of the African-American groups protesting. Now, I don't know what is correct regarding Tut, and I got a gut feeling these dipshits don't either, but it is a reason to bitch.

I'm glad racism and inequality have been stamped out finally so this can become a hot issue. Doing the Mary Kay Extreme Makeover on a mummy is one of the lesser concerns anyone besides academics should contemplate. Especially when the scientists admit it's nothing but a guess.

All sarcasm aside, someone made the point that the skin color issue was important due to the stature of Tut. This guy wanted to point out that here was a young, black man who ruled a kingdom. Great, are you so desperate of role models that you want to point out somebody whose achievement was being born to the right family? By that virtue, the Hilton sisters have done wonders moving up in the world. Role models are something a kid can aspire to be. Unless your Dad is the reincarnation of Akhenaten you are shit out of luck kid.

People, go see the Tutankhamun exhibit and see some amazing bits of history. Look to the best people around you for role models and look to the scientists to figure out Tut's skin tone and features.

Earthquake!

The Big One? Nope, call it more like Big Fucking Deal. The last earthquake to get me moving was Northridge, other than that, no biggie. I remember the Whittier Narrows quake, that was fun since I was sleeping in my waterbed and it hit.. woohoo ride the wave.

I laugh, when anytime something happens here, it is inevitable that my friends or I will get calls from relatives or friends asking if we are ok or if our homes are threatened. Unless a mudslide learns to travel the 101 from Ventura, we are good. Brushfires? Lack of vegetation kind of puts a damper on it. Then we have the earthquakes and my friend Joe gets IM's from family in Mass. This thing hit about hour and a half drive from LA, and it wasn't that strong to begin with. As a mapping specialist I feel I can confidently state that using maps can be beneficial, if nothing else to stave off unneccesary panic.

Molester

I know, you think I am talking about Jacko, but nope. I saw the Yahoo headline: Calif. man may have molested thousands And I said, well yea, but they just acquitted him. Ooops, wrong pervert .

Here is your definition of a predator. This guy benefitted from the lack of information flowing between law enforcement whether due to technological limitations or otherwise. This piece of shit has been able to be fairly active for 30 odd years. It will be interesting to see what the Police come up with when they start to go over the records he kept and determine if they are fantasy or reality. I was thinking that someone should just kill him if his list is even a tenth accurate. I had a change in heart though, I think the inmates in prison will show Short Eyes here a lot of love. Enjoy the butt raping you sick fuck, you earned it.

You can take my porn when you pry it from my cold dead fingers

I love America, but I hate a lot of Americans. Maybe hate is too strong, but I can't stand these narrow minded assholes out there who have nothing better to do than trying to run other people's lives. Especially their sex lives.

I hate to say it, but the main culprit of this is organized religion. I do not want to paint all religious people with the same brush. A vast majority may not approve of your lifestyle but will just ignore it unless it's intrusive to their life. Ah but these other miserable fuckers, they're the one's that bother me.

If consenting adults ( and I mean adult humans.. consent forms with hoof or paw prints on the dotted lines aren't legal, so step away from the pony freako) are doing whatever in the privacy of their own home, then it is their business and stay the fuck out of it. A town in Texas had vice officers go after a woman who was selling sex toys at parties at private homes. She wasn't driving the Dildomobile down the street playing organ grinder (pun) tunes to call out everyone to check out her wares on the street. The only reason the cops knew about it was some woman complained that she went to a party and it cause problems with her marriage. Honey, if that caused difficulties, then you have a bigger problem and it's called your husband. The sales woman wasn't hurting anything, but she was "promoting obscentiy"

I also don't quite get why people freak out when they find there is a house in their neighborhood where they have swingers parties. Oh my GOD, multiple people are having sex in the same house. They don't even know each other.... arrrgh. What the hell do they think is going to happen.. airborne swinger virus is going to hit the neighborhood and everyone will be wife swapping by Christmas. Or just maybe there is going to be so much screwing going on that there will just be this explosion of bodily fluids coming from the house contaminating the locals. I remember the Chatsworth Jizz Flood of '02, that was a catastrophe.

Obviously there is some disconnect between what the community is saying and what they are doing when recent report by cable operators indicate that buy rate of adult features on cable/satellite are about 3 times higher in Bible Belt than rest of country. The "community" may not approve of selling adult materials but it appears many of the residents do. And these poor souls, all they get are softcore or cut up edited porn, no full penetration, no money shots someone call Amnesty International.

That all is a walk in the park compared to if you are gay. Now these pinheads really can't do much about gay people, not that they wouldn't want to run them out of town but that pesky Constitution gets in their way. For some reason these people think that gay people have this amazing Rasputin-like power to bring the youth of America to their camp. "Luke I'm your Daddy, come over the Rainbow Side", idiots. Being gay is not generally one of the "cool" things which is basis for much of their rationale , so if an adolescent is gay it's because he IS whether you like it or not. Prove to me that being gay is an choice (or a choice at all) and I will drop it. So you can imagine what chance a gay person has of trying to work in the public sphere, be it public office or God forbid, school. Their fag gremlins are more likely to attach themselves to the kids at such a close proximity, dontcha know.

Good people of the Red States, I have a dream, that one day, Billy Bob and Bubba can walk into a store in Alabama and rent Hot Lesbo Beaver Eaters #6. I have a dream, that from Nebraska to the Gulf of Mexico people can buy vibrators in all the hues of the rainbows. I have a dream that Texans can play group Twister naked at home without a Swat Team busting down their doors.

Oh and if that doesn't happen, just stay within your own backwards ass states and leave us to our delightfuly sinful existence.

Geeks, Dorks and Lurps: An Introduction

The release of the latest Star Wars has engendered some discussion on the nature of geeks. What is a geek? I am a geek. A number of my friends are geeks. We collect comics or baseball cards, spend considerable amounts of time on the computer, burn hours of our life on fantasy sports leagues or possess an inordinate amount of knowledge of trivia. Knowledge is the key here, the above average knowledge of the minute details of a beloved subject is the geek's raison d'etre. I don't consider people who are obsessed with an activity as in a sport, a geek. If the person is obsessive with all the history and knowledge regarding the sport then they may be a geek as well. Sports, also are generally treated by general populace as being cool. Basically, we have a hobby/obesssion that is not necessarily embraced by the general public.

Being a geek is not necessarily a bad thing. Many people like geeks. My friend Josh is a geek and his girlfriend, Rachel is well aware of it. I believe she referred to him as a sexy geek. Oxymoron you say? Nope. The basic geek can be anything we want since our interests don't get in the way of daily life. Ah, but if the geek devolves into a dork or a lurp, then we have problems.

Dorks are über-geeks. Everything is taken a step too far. So you are a huge fan of Lord of the Rings cool so am I. I don't dress up like an elf or an orc. If you use Star Wars to explain a real life situation, there is a good chance you will be called a dork.

I know a lot of geeks play computer games and they are geeks. Those who play them excessively, forgo life in general for them and realllly enjoy how they look as a Wood Elf are dorks. Dungeons & Dragons as I recall was extraordinarily time consuming to play. If you play it when you are young and can't go anywhere like we did you rank in geekdom. If you are in your 20's and schedule weekend long D&D games, I'm thinkng dork. If you stand in line for hours to see Star Wars the first day, you are probably a geek. Only dorks set up their little Magic:The Gathering game at a table at the head of the line to get into Star Wars.

Science Fiction/Fantasy is where the dork (or pinhead, nimrod and lame-o) thrives. You may have a lot of geeks at a baseball card collecting convention. In general they don't dress up like Rollie Fingers replete with moustache, because people would think you are a dork and just an asshole in general. Go to a Star Trek, Xena/Hercules or any Sci-Fi/Fantasy convention and it is loaded with people who brave scorn to express their unconditional, unconventional and oft unconscionable love by dressing up as their favorite character. Still, some of these people may be on the geek/dork border, other than those rare days at the conventions they may put it all in the closet and live a "normal" existence. Keeping the character alive at other times? Dork. Still, the dork may be able to make his way through life without too many hiccups. Such is not the case for the lurp.

The lurp, or loser is treated with disdain by all others. The lurp wilfully disregards or is ignorant of one or more standards such as hygiene, interpersonal communication, and accepted social behavior. Unfortunately, the prospects of raising a lurp up to a higher plateau is very difficult. Let's face it, if Doug doesn't realize wearing the same clothes for 3 days straight is not a good idea, we might have problems getting him in line for an executive position or a shot at the prom queen. Most lurps are deserving of pity, but now and then comes the trog. Trogs, short for troglodyte are lurps who have developed a disagreeable or flat out nasty disposition. These little fuckers are misery to all around them. At best, a trog will be a griping, ornery type. At his worst he will be a nasty, vituperative, borderline schizophrenic rat bastard. Rarely do trogs feel joy, and when they do is when someone else "gets what's coming to them." Trogs will piss on your barbeque then turn around and tell you it was a bad idea to cook outdoors. There is no known cure for troglodytism, it is best to just sterilize them and put them in a compound to live out the remainder of their miserable days.

So, my good people, love your geek, help your dork, pray for your lurp and disavow any connection to a trog.

How Fucked Up Is That?

We need a new TV show called How Fucked Up Is That? The content would be easy. You have multiple stories of someone getting a raw deal or people doing something really stupid. People being people, they will give us material that just won't end. I'm thinking Local, state and federal government and corporate America would be our prime source. So, we can do a story on a hospital amputating the wrong leg and then we say "How Fucked Up Is That?" then the studio audience gets to bellow out "That's Fucked up". Beats the shit out of most Fox programming.

The Cult of Celebrity

Movie stars, professional atheletes and politicians are people too. Their problem is that when they misstep, it gets out in the media and it looks worse. Are they any more ridiculous than the rest of us? I would say no. Celebrities are matched if not bested in terms of bizarre behavior or flat out stupidtiy by others in general society. These are people who may be dating a relative, are prohibited from operating heavy machinery, or are putting together a stunning suit made from aluminum foil to keep out the instructions from the mother ship. The more banal one's are just doing or have done time. So you see, Celebrities are just like the rest of us but Special.

Sometime I think it would be interesting to live in the world of a celebrity. The color of the sky in their world definitely is of a different hue. It's so wonderful they have been freed from most of our worries. It's so sweet to see a loving movie star couple get together and bring a new baby into this world. The quality 2 months they have spent together after the movie shoot they met on will certainly prepare them for the journey ahead. The Guatamalan nanny won't hurt either. Their wedding will be spectacular too, their child will be old enough to be in the ceremony, what a cute little tyke. I personally, find it inspiring that they will jump headlong into something that a crack whore would take a minute longer to think on. Courage.

Their adventurous spirit and creativity is why so many people embrace Celebs. R. Kelly is so creative that his music is not outlet enough for him, he's taken to video production and photography collections as well. Both video and photos are of underage girls, he apparently is working hard to keep in touch with a young audience. It is a testament to the power of Kelly's creativity that he was allowed to tour and share his talent. I suspect that if I apparently was in a video peeing on a teenage girl and having sex with her I would be in prison being traded by inmates for packs of cigarettes. Oh well I just am not as eminent a citizen. Method acting is amazing to see, many actors even play the part outside of the studio. Sean Penn is apparently working towards a huge part as a seminal political/religious figure come to save all. Russell Crowe periodically needs to keep his edge by engaging in some high spirited interaction with reporters, critics and hotel employees. And speaking of method, who are we to critique the means that musicians and actors find their muse. Without heroin, coke, speed, and horse tranquilizers the world would not have been blessed with some of the music we adore. These people can handle it, they work hard to deal with it, as evidenced by their frequent trips to rehabilitation clinics. Just leave them to their own devices and Celebrities will make the most of an opportunity.

Celebrities have become increasingly active participants in their local, state and even world community. Tireless work on the behalf of convicted killers, rogue nations, and little known environmental initiatives have earned them a spot in the heart of America. Their active participation in our legal system and love for our Constitution is a worthy example for our youth. Blasting away at a police car with an AK is nothing to be alarmed at, it is in fact the poetry of the rapper expressing his free speech as left to him by the Founding Fathers. The 5th amandment is another example of our favorite stars showing how the government can be a big help to those of us called before Congress. I suspect that if I exercised my 2nd Amendment right as some of the famous have done I would not fare well. It is understandable, unlike me, it is certain that a person of fame and wealth would never hurt someone even if they point a weapon at them or randomly fire away in public. Although such knowledge makes them and their family an easy target by those who have a grudge against them. It's a shame O.J Simpson and Robert Blake's lost loved one's. Most assuredly these weren't random crimes, but somehow tied to the celebrity these women knew.

I have not even scratched the surface of the unusual life of the Celebrity. They are unique individuals that have added to the dynamic nature of society. They may seem "different" but most trailblazers do. There are those of us who dream of a brave society where our children have 2 first names picked from a random list of nouns, where our right to have our bottles of Crystal served in only gold tinted glasses are not infringed upon and where we are free of harrassment by creditors, process servers and the more nitpicking parts of the legal code. If you are one these forward thinkers, thank a Celebrity for leading the way.

No News is... Just as bad

Yesterday was apparently a really slow news day. I am sitting watching evening news and they close with a cute little piece about piglets in Moscow playing "pig soccer" Where the piglets push a soccer bal around with their snouts. This morning my radio alarm goes off and sports comes on and they finish with a story on.. Yea, really. So as usual I check yahoo headlines in the morning and one of them is.. Unbelievable.

I am waiting for the pigs to get a shoe endorsement deal. Soon they will be rolling through the barnyard with their entourage full of themselves, knocking up sows, hitting the trough too hard until they lose their game. Ah, but fortunately when they retire we aren't left to deal with them shilling for bad products. We get bacon.