Summer Movies '08: The Year of The Nerd Boner
I love movies. That being said I have not seen a lot of movies lately. I'm more likely to wait for DVD unless it is an Epic film with serious visuals. This Summer is looking pretty huge though. All the comic fanboys out there are going to be bouncing around like little girls at a Hannah Montana concert. Here are the look at the movies that are coming out and how they register on the bonermeter.
May 2 - Iron Man
Not only was Iron Man one of my favorite comics growing up but the people attached to this movies gives it a cool factor. Robert Downey Jr. as a smart ass Tony Stark has great potential as does Jeff Bridges as a seriously dour looking Obadiah Stane. Oh and the armor looks great. Having Jon Favreau direct it gives it an interesting twist as opposed to Bret Ratner or any of the other safety helmet wearers in his directing class. If they fuck this movie up they might as well just end it with a semi running over a box of puppies.
Bonermeter: Zipper strainer. Major throbber. One eyed jack fights to free himself from the grasp of the Monster XYZ
May 9 - Speed Racer
As a kid I loved Speed Racer, one of my favorite shows. I caught an episode when I was older and realized, as a kid I loved Speed Racer. This one is just a bit juvenile for me, but it has potential for some fun action and visuals.
Bonermeter: A average Cougar when you don't have a good buzz.
May 16 - The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian
The first one was an acceptable addition to the fantasy genre. Plus it had the bonus of not having constant rants from that cocksucker Bill Donahue and the religious right. From the trailer it looks to be more of the same. If it's a bit darker then the more the better.
I don't think C.S. Lewis ever incorporated werewolves or lesbians in any of his stories which is a shame since that is sorely lacking in in fantasy. Well actually just the lesbian part but werewolves just make everything cooler. It's like having a big name rockstar at your party.
Bonermeter: Average cougar when you have a serious buzz and she has her hand on your leg.
May 22 - Indian Jones 4
I think Star Wars was the only major franchise that took longer to put out another sequel. Everyone think happy thoughts that Spielberg doesn't fuck up like Lucas did. Hopefully Steven will sit George down with the visual effects crew and keep him the fuck away from the actors.
Bonermeter: Fairly tumescent but unsure. It's the tease at the club who may go home with you or may just be stringing you along for some drinks.
June 13 - The Incredible Hulk
Let's try this again from the top. One of the big missteps in the recent Marvel comic movies. They will try to strike paydirt with a different crew. Let's hope they get the hulk to look good this time and not like the Jolly Green Giant in purple bike shorts. One of these days someone is going to have to do a bit where Hulk knocks over a car with his penis. It really follows that he should be naked when he transforms. Expanding to the size he does his pants would be gone. The ratings systems being what they are though it is doubtful that they are going to be busting out Hulk cock anytime soon.
Bonermeter: Flacid
June 27th - Wall-E
Ok, so Pixar movies and boners just don't go together in polite conversation. I am looking forward to this though since Pixar has not had a total miss yet. Even Cars which was probably their least popular was far better then most animated movies. The director also directed Finding Nemo & A Bug's Life. So far so good.
Bonermeter:Unmentionable. Getting a stiffy looking at a hot cousin (not applicable in some parts of Kentucky)
July 11 - Hellboy II: The Golden Army
The first one was pretty interesting and this next one looks really wild. I got a feeling that del Toro was able to inject more of his style and sensibility into this one. Ron Perlman is flat out cool in anything.
Bonermeter:Solid morning wood
July 18 - The Dark Knight
How kind of them to treat me to the bookend boner moment on my birthday. We start with Iron Man and we end with the sequel to my favorite comic movie ever. Christian Bale is the man. He has managed to play so many parts as to be impossible to typecast and does them all well. Heath Ledger as The Joker looks to be pretty interesting. It's a shame that no matter how well or poor he is it will simply be remembered in context of his memory. My only hope for this one is that they got a new fight choreographer or had him mellow out a bit with the quick cuts. It was bit too choppy.
Bonermeter: If I am floating down the river on my back I am yelling "Raise the drawbridge" Or at the very least "Up Periscope"
The Anti-Boners
Unfortunately we have several movies coming out that look like they are the equivalent of seeing zits on a strippers ass. They are where joy goes to die.
Sex and The City:I couldn't give less of a fuck if I had two fucks and you took three fucks from me and I wrote you an IOU. I thought the TV show was annoying to begin with. I would actually have to like the characters to want to watch a movie about them. Unless Chris Noth turns out to be a serial killer and eliminates each one, starting with the annoying red headed one. Then you have my interest.
The Love Guru: Oh goody, Mike Myers is doing another movie with a funny accent and visual gags that were semi fresh when Tim Conway did them a couple of decades ago. Mugging with Verne Troyer and self referential comedy is not making a movie. And I am fucking sick of seeing his goddamn face on Yahoo's main page.
The Mummy: Tomb of The Dragon Emperor
I will give this a chance to not be a total piece of shit. The last Mummy was a tea-bagstravaganza, with a screenplay written by 10,000 monkeys writing for 10,000 hours while masturbating. If they keep the action crisp and not too ridiculous and actually have some decent horror in it maybe it will be worth something. Since this sounds Asian we might have ninja mummies or shaolin mummies. Or maybe short mummies who are really good at math. Viva stereotypes.
posted by Steve @ 2:09 PM
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