Saturday, January 26, 2008

PsyOps

The United States Government should try a new approach in the war against terrorism. They should send out a mass email to areas that are considered hotbeds of terrorism. It should say something like

Dear Fellow Believer,

I do not wish to send you this bad news but I must. My brother Kemal has spoken to me from the grave. He said that while you will receive your 72 virgins when you kill the infidel in service to Allah, be forewarned they are all fat and ugly.

He continued to say that blowing ourself up and no one else will give you 14 non-virgins. Certainly they are not the untouched flowers you were promised but they are not bad looking and some even go anal. And for those making the self solo sacrifice there is an all you can eat buffet available.

Sincerely,

Mehmet Ghazi



Why not, couldn't be worse than most of what we tried to begin with.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

This Just In: Life is Unfair

Not a big surprise but we once again have the inequity of life slapped into our face. We have Heath Ledger, a talented actor and apparently a decent human being about to appear in a big budget movie that most likely would elevate his stature die. Then we have Britney Spears, Amy Winehouse, Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton roaming the countryside. I use the term roaming the countryside because it has the feeling of some beat stalking the moors looking for a victim. That suits them I think.

Picture a foggy moonlit night, two hikers are walking along a dirt road. Every now and then they seem to hear a rustle in the bushes but write it off to wind. They continue to walk and the all of a sudden

*cue loud dramatic music* "BAAA!"

Britney Spears jumps out of the bushes babbling about Jack Daniels and moonpies in a faux English wearing pink wig, see through top and skirt that barely covers her lumpy ass.

You would totally shit yourself if this happened. This would be close to having a werewolf jump out at you. Possibly it would take a werewolf carrying an AK-47 and wearing a gold chain that said "Thug 4 Life" to equal this. Because while frightening you could rationalize "Hey that's a werewolf, how fucking cool is that" But Britney is the modern pestilence of the moment but with a side of lame. You can't get away from her. She is the Black Death with acne from fried chicken grease clogged pores.

Paris and Amy wouldn't quite elicit such horror. You could throw a shiny object and Paris would run after it and Amy would most likely stagger around a bit then run back into the bushes. Kim Kardashian wouldn't be much of a threat unless you were a black man, then she would launch herself on you like a flying squirrel and drain your bodily fluids like a Vampire. You wouldn't turn into the undead but you would probably end up with an itchy sensation on your junk.

That was a detour in a half. So to sum it up. Fuckheads 4 Decent Folk 0. Fuckheads win again.

Friday, January 04, 2008

Flashback

End of the period Art class on the first day of school in 7th grade..

Mr. Graber: Does anyone know Murrieta Hot Springs (it's actually an area in So Cal)

Toby: I think she's on my bus

True story. I won't remember what the fuck I was supposed to buy at the store but I can recall this. Love every minute of it too.

More to come for the New Year