Fight Night at Vons Supermarket

I was checking out at the supermarket and I noticed this guy just going off on this girl working there. He was furious, just raging at her. She was offering to give his money back for some item, but that wasn't good enough, he wanted someone fired. He was swearing, having a fit, then finally threw some info they had given him into the trash, an in your face type move. That's where me and my big mouth enter into the picture.

Normally I don't talk smack to anyone, maybe a sarcastic comment off to the side (see Retail Headache post). But I was pretty sure I had seen this guy there before treating people like shit (I found out later I was correct) and it just got to me. So as he was walking past me I said "What an asshole" He then went off.
"What the hell you talking to me. Look at you, fat ass. You're a fat pig" He repeated some variation of the same thing a couple of times. So I of course have to continue it "That's ok, I can go on a diet, but you're still going to be a dick tomorrow."

By now anyone remotely close is watching this brilliant display. He leaves then I start rolling out with my cart . I am talking outside to one of the store employees and then I see him driving in what appears to be a Porsche Cayenne. He by the way is about late 40's early fifites, tanned and fit. Looks like an executive type. He sees us then parks his car and gets out. Then he just stares at us. I make a motion with my hands basically saying "What?" So psycho executive walks over.

He is not quite in my face, but he is going off. Going for the fat angle again, meanwhile I am just laughing at him and smiling. Which I think pissed him off even more, I was taunting him. When I stuttered once he asked me if I was scared. I laughed, the fact was I was so amped on adrenaline I was shaking, I wanted to tear this fucker apart. Thinking about it now, I haven't been in a fight since 6th grade, he probably would have dropped me, ha. He kept on blabbering on about how I was scared and would talk shit but wouldn't back it up. I really didn't give a shit, I was just putting my groceries away, while he was blabbing. No way was I going to take a swing at this moron and get arrested and/or sued. I called him a loser and he further proved where he was coming from "Me, look at your car (Saturn), look at you. I told him he was pathetic and I didn't mind, people respected me, but I doubted anyone respected him. He didn't stop til I put my cart back at the supermarket and one of the 4 employees standing outside mentioned they had called the police.

About as he was getting in his car, the police car drove up, really fast response. So, the police officer was talking to him for a while then came over to me. He was cool, asked me if I called the guy an asshole and I said yes, and told him why. The police officer's only point for me was that you never know if the someone has a weapon. Good point. Two of the Vons employees told the officer he was no longer welcome there and he said he would tell the guy that and it would be trespassing if he returned. He then said I could go and was talking to dickhead when I left. Turns out he's a lawyer, good thing I didn't take the bait.

Even though the guys was a complete dick, he was right about one thing when he pointed out that I started it. I actually feel guilty for mouthing off, its just not me and I suppose I had no business butting in. I've seen people go off now and then I know have. I guess I just got tired of bullys and finaly decided to snap back. It is what it is, as they say, "No Blood, No Foul."

Cialis

I love the Cialis commercials. Actually most prescription med commercials are a kick because of the side effects. Cialis doesn't have too many. If you're gonna get some, an upset stomach and a headache is a small price to pay. Delayed back pain? Now that is a potent hard-on when it strains your back. The crowning moment though is, "if erection lasts for more than 4 hours consult a physician." Before that, consult your phone book and invite over some friends, that would be one hell of a conversation piece.

NFL Draft Update

Just finished with the Vikings pick.

- Merril Hodge's hair is the most fucked up looking thing on live TV this side of the Jackson trial. The top is lighter than the sides and is a disaster. I think someone took a rug, ran it through a shredder, teased it and planted it on his scalp. I think he had chemo last year and it appears the hair didn't come back right. Merril doesn't like Mike Williams from USC, I now will discount everything Merril says from here on out.

-Alex Smith from Utah validates my point on football players not being all dunces. He graduated in 2 1/2 years. About 4 picks later, Carnell "Cadillac" Williams tries his best to undue that. His enunciation is so bad I think it's the reason Suzie Kolber asked him a question he had already answered. Then he comes out with the gem, "He won the war, but the battle isn't over." Carnell, I am going to give you the benefit of the doubt and chalk that up to the nerves and excitement.

Retail Headaches

You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy - Obi-Wan Kenobi on Costco

Yes, that isn't quite correct, but it's close. Costco is much like the Cantina in Mos Eisley, filled with an array of odd people speaking a multitude of languages. And more than a few who deserve to be shot or have an appendage lopped off. I have a definite love/hate relationship with Costco. Samples rock. The big-ass warehouse isn't a problem, it's the dipshit customers who inhabit it. I get hip checked by a small Asian woman going for a sample, I witness an old man push his cart into another to movie it out of his way while a small child is in that cart and of course there are the people standing in the middle of the aisle, apparently unaware of the dozens of people trying to weave their way through them. I've rarely said a rude word aloud to people in my life but "Just barge your way in" and "Good idea, stand in the middle of the fucking aisle" shot out of my mouth although more of an aside.

The other stores that make me want to swear are the electronics store, namely Best Buy and Fry's. Idiot customers aren't my headache here, it's the idiot customer service. Both are populated by people who barely have a fucking clue what they are selling or for that matter, what they have. At both stores I've found items when salesperson couldn't find it.
Salesperson: "Looks like we are out"
Me: "Uh, no there's one right up there.
SP: "Oh yea"
Brilliant. Forget about getting some real technical assistance from most of these gimps too. If you have a question about a product, you can almost bet they will look at the box or the product info card. Great, I can do that. When they ask another salesperson the exact same question I asked them it doesn't inspire great confidence. The main difference is the look of the stores and the staff. Best Buy is a bright fairly energetic looking place, the Fry's by me is dark and dreary looking. Best Buy is a happy retarded kid working at McDonald's, Fry's is the brain fried alkie talking to himself in his '79 van. The staff reflects this too. Best Buy folks have their bright blue shirts, looking comfortable and casual. Fry's staff wear shirt and tie, but it is one of those half-hearted looks. Think low rent criminal at court appearance or dutiful teen putting down the bong long enough to join his parents at church for Mother's Day.

I dislike going to these stores, but they have cornered their markets in my area. So, I take a deep breath, count to ten, grumble "Fuck" and go shopping.

We Interrupt This Blog for Football

This Sat. is the NFL draft. If you need any indication of how popular the NFL is, this will help. Pretty much the entire weekend of nothing but people talking about players being drafted for NFL teams. No action except brief highlight clips, just commentary for minutes in between that brief moment of excitement... a player's named being read! ESPN/ESPN2 will be covering it for probably 12 hours or more this weekend. Baseball may be in full swing right now, but the sports world takes a pause for football. I will be with them.

Now the baseball purists out there may turn their noses up at football as an unsophisticated sport played by thugs barely under control. Look past the surface and you will find a game that is more than it seems. To uninterested parties, football may look like nothing more that big brutes crashing into each other, making openings for their smaller compatriots. This is far too simple a description, for football players, play the most complex pro sport there is. They have to learn plays from a playbook the thickness of a phone book, they must recognize a variety of schemes that will decide how they will act on each play, and on each play they must make sure they are in synch with several players around them. Just think of what a typical offense has to deal with when they ready themselves for a pass play:

Is the defense in man to man or zone. Where are the safeties, are they cheating up for run support, possibly safety blitz? Where are the outside linebackers? Are they going to strictly read and react, one blitz, one drop back into pass coverage? Does the running back need to stay in to block? Will the QB and receivers read the coverage correctly if they are running hot routes? Will the safety take help on one of the deep men clearing the way for a short route or will he take the receiver running the 10 yard pattern giving you a shot at the deep corner or post.

This is by no means all of what needs to be understood EACH play. I like this complexity, the intense action. TV is a boon to football since you can better understand the entire action of the game through TV replay. Football is constant, intense action and if you don't pay attention you can miss something important more so than any other pro sport.

Can football be boring? Yep, but when it's boring it beats the shit out of when baseball is boring. Even when the two teams are stumbling like sumos trying to slow dance, you have action. Twenty-two guys in motion, every play. No slow rollers, no pop-ups, someone is going to get their dick knocked loose on every play. In a word, cool. Don't get me wrong, I don't like to see injuries, but I do like to see hard hitting and that is always present. When a football team is on, there are glimpses of speed, power and agility that are exhilirating. This constant action makes for great fun, however it can make for some dicey viewing in person.

George Carlin sums all of this up wonderfully http://www.baseball-almanac.com/humor7.shtml Baseball's leisurely, almost picnic like atmosphere is where the sport is definitely superior. Football is adrenaline for fans of the sport. Having a large cluster of amped, slightly inebriated men around me is just not my idea of fun. Right there is one reason I'm not a big fan of strip clubs. The last time I was at a football game, I had these homeboys by me who were just constantly obnoxious and near spastic. In fact, big homeboy got so excited on a score he tried to high five me, missed my hand and hit me in the forehead. Don't get me started with Raiders fans. The bad Raiders fans act like they are entitled to act like assholes and exercise said right frequently. Even the good one's can be a tad too arrogant. It's just better to keep away from too many football fans.

I avoid all of this by watching from the comfort of my home. There I can swear at the screen, beat the shit out of inanimate objects and offer a ceasless commentary on what I would do better as coach. I bask in the glory of the gazelle-like receivers and the crashing of bodies for hours on end. What can I say, when the teams put out a great effort all of this is worth it and I am a happy camper. Can't ask for more than that.

Movie Focus: Star Trek

I used to watch quite a bit of Star Trek, from The Next Generation on. I like science fiction and it added a needed centerpiece to a genre rarely available. For quite a while the franchise kept churning along, slightly improving on itself. Somewhere along the way though, the stories became less interesting and with some notable exceptions even the action became less interesting. The shows certainly looked better than ever, plenty of good actors involved and many of the people involved in its success were still involved, but it still lost it. The problem, repetition. Star Trek started to repeat itself more than an alzheimer's patient, oldly going where everyone had gone before.

Even if the main story was different, how many times did we find the ship or the crew in peril with certain disaster facing them until someone comes up with an absolutely brilliant idea at the last minute. And of course it is always one of the 4-5 main cast members. Sometime I want to see an alien saying "I would have succeded if it weren't for you meddling kids". Hey guys, when something is done over and over again it no longer is very special and we become numb to it. Repetition of some storylines are bad. Repetition extending to where character interaction and action sequences are utterly predictable is worse.

In the original Star Trek series any crewman with a red shirt on might as well have had "I'm Dead Jim" written on his forehead. Their success rate was about the same as a moveon.org booth at an NRA convention. Considering the jokes about this you would think the recent minds behind the franchise would have made a significant effort to mix things up. Well you would have also thought the Democrats would have learned the efficacy of running a stiff for President too, but I digress. The point is, the great failing of the franchise was its inability (or flat out refusal) to leave some of its hallowed conventions behind, dooming it to become irrelevant.

The climax of every Bond movies is the same. Bond makes fantastic escape then gets laid.. the end. The difference is that the action in between can be a blast with some very wild stunts to keep you intrested even after so many iterations. Star Trek movies; bad guys blow the shit out of the Enterprise and fight running gun battle with command crew. TV show; bad guys trap command crew on planet, Enterprise is rendered helpless because of some previously unencountered anomaly or creature, Enterprise or crew going to bite the big one from mechanical failure. Now this sounds simplistic and it is, but so were these plot points.

Putting the main cast members in harms away often makes sense, but everrry time? The fucking ship probably has a couple hundred personnel, yet they just have to send at least a quarter of their entire command staff to an unknown situation in a pissant shuttle. Starfleet Academy teaching Custer's approach at Little Bighorn as a model approach? Good action is good action even without having a known face in it all the time. Oh and while they are at it, feel free to have some body armor and a big ass weapon to protect yourself. I know it doesn't quite fit Roddenberry's vision, but the one piece jump suit and the weapon that looks like my electric razor is weak.

Even when secure in their ship our intrepid heroes aren't safe. The enemy vessel will blast the Enterprise and... a panel on the bridge will blow up, sending a crewman into a backflip. Bad guy could hit a spot 200 feet away from the bridge and it will happen. What's up with that.. power surge? Woo doggies you got yerself some serious electrical problems, ya know I seen this on the early 80's Jags a lot. This is always accompanied by the crew bouncing off consoles (wouldn't have thought energy weapons had that kind of kinetic impact, but now I'm being picky). After someone did a faceplant on a keyboard in Kirk's era you would have figured seat belts would be standard feature on Starfleet ships. The cheapest, throwaway attempt at amping the drama was to have kids on the ship during a crisis. Fortunately it didn't happen too often. Bad idea completely, like when Vegas started angling for the entire family in the early 90's. Granted the kids may have been home when they explored the unkown, but enough shit happened in the known parts that would have made the parents yank the kids off the ship. Hell, Starfleet would have been buried in lawsuits for child endangerment as screwed up as some of their "routine" voyages were. Starfleet lawyers would have really been buried in court. What with suing subcontractors because the warp core on their ships failed to eject for the 40th time when it was ready to blow or when (apprently Windows-based) controls failed to respond when the power cable on the Lido deck blew out . But then again this was all ignored for the sake of drama and lawsuits wouldn't have been very Roddenberry-like.

Roddenberry had some great ideas, without a doubt. His ideas though became adhered to a bit too much. The future where most of humanity's nastiness had been bred out of it played well on occasion, but in the end it just seemed less real than space travel. The fanatics out there hold on to this idyllic view of our future. Is it possible? Sure, and maybe roadioactive sludge will spill on me and I'll gain 4 inches on my johnson, throw a split finger fastball in the 90's and sing like Michael Stipe. We can all dream but sometimes you have to keep an eye on reality. Too often the writers held steadfast to Roddenberry's vision hobbling the potential for more relevant story lines. It wouldn't have took a total break with his ideals, just adding a bit more complexity and roughening up the lines a bit. This oft perfection just made the shows/movies more stilted to the average viewer keeping them just far enough away that they could not quite get into the franchise.

Hopefully the franchise will lay fallow for a bit, the ghost of Roddenberry will loosen it's grip a bit, the dickweeds in the latex Klingon headpieces will get a grip and someone will make something great from the vast universe that is out there.

Actionnnn: Stupid Movie Tricks Pt 2

Bad plot points are murder, but sometimes even the action is annoyingly bad, as evidenced by some of thse old chestnuts (if by chestnut you understand I mean, piece of shit)

And Now For My Imitation of Jesse Owens - A huge wall of water or fireball is heading towards our hero and he just sprints away from it til he can dodge to safety. Here is what is interesting, if you are a main character you will probably run just fast enough, if you are secondary character.. adios. Let's be realistic, you are going to be a seared hunk of meat or a drowned rat. I think that superheated oxygen just might be a touch faster and feel free to ask a few thousand Asians how that whole running away from rushing water thing works.

The Mary Lou Retton Award (Or, Let Me Woo You) - Anytime you have gunfights in which the actors are doing these beautifully choreographed dives and twists while in a gunfight, you might have a shit movie. This was popularized John Woo, possibly the most overhyped director of recent times (go see Windtalkers and try to tell me he's brilliant). Yea it looks good, but it's just stupid. The same goes for firing away with a gun in each hand. You aren't going to hit a fucking thing unless the guy stands right in front of you idiots. If you are going to do a triple lutz then at least stop then fire. This falls in line with..

The Magic Bullett - Doesn't matter if the hero has just a Daisy BB Gun facing bad guys armed like an NRA wet dream, he will drop them eventually. A hail of bullets tear the shit out of everything around our hero and then he peaks up and "pop" there goes a bad guy. Keep repeating until coast is clear.

Mastur-Bay-tion - In honor of director Michael Bay, who never met an explosion he didn't like. Everything blows up like it was pumped full of naplam. Cars go up in flames like they were '74 Pintos driving backwards. Handgrenades look like you tossed a 500 lb bomb. I don't know why they even bother since we have become so numb to it all. Hey, make the explosions look more reaslistic and gritty, not cartoony and then people would really go wow.

Ouch, I've Been Shot - Hero is in epic gun battle with bad guys, hero gets hit by 9mm slug(s), hero walks away with slight limp. Ok, I can accept that adrenaline can do much for you, but sometimes these guys have just had muscles shredded and they move better than when you sprain your ankle. Not to mention they are soldiering on fine for hours on without even an aspirin. Well, I can't outrun fireballs, pick locks or shoot someone at 200 yards while doing a running jump, so I guess I just suck.

Well, that's good for now, it got me thinking of a particular franchise to go after. Next: I give it to Star Trek. Who's your Vulcan, bitch?

Actionnnn: Stupid Movie Tricks: Pt 1

Action movies, when good keep your adrenaline up and your heart pounding. When bad they make your brain numb and your ass as well. When action movies go bad fast is when they start trotting out some typically ridiculous action sequences that are in there to develop more drama, generally because the writes it too fucking lazy to develop it intelligently. Here we go with stupid plot points that are thrown in to extend a story that much longer.

Clear! How to keep a movie from ending prematurely

Yawn of the Dead - World's oldest trick, hero seemingly kills bad guy. Hero starts to walk away and .. Oh My God... bad guy has one last shot left in him. Didn't see that coming did ya. Hey, Mr. Hero, when the movie makes you out to be an expert or something special in general, then don't act like a rank amateur and make sure the bastard is dead or unarmed.

The Houdini Factor - As the hero is putting on his jammies and ready to retire for the movie, the bad guy escapes because he is A.) Extremely brilliant and MacGyvers an escape tool out of toothpaste, condom and popscicle stick B.) Not necessarily that smart but has henchmen to take out the guards who have apparently barely figured out they have opposable thumbs. C.) Pulls a Yawn of The Dead on the lesser ape police/guards after him D.) Just flat walks past the morons

Witless Protection Program - Right before the trial that would put the bad guy in jail, a witness, usually a beautiful woman, child or heroes family member is taken from police protection. In movies, cops lose more witnesses than I lose phone numbers. I admit to not being too up on the news, but I haven't heard of too many witness-nappings or murders. I think I know why, trying to track down the safe house, put together a hit squad and go after the cops is pretty damn difficult when the cops are already watching you! That's right... if you are a big enough threat to war

Hooray for Hollywood: Actionnnn: Plotting Along

(Tried this before, but wasn't happy with it, so here we go again)
In honor of the coming Summer movie season I figured I would blather on about one of my favorite topics, the movies. I could go on about great movies, but that's boring, I'm going to talk about what sucks in movies. Yep, I'm an optomist at heart. And the easiest target to shoot at is the action movie.

I categorize action movies the following way:

Cop Movie: Individual or group of protagonists versus fairly intelligent Prime Bad Guy (PBG) and his group of rock-dumb henchmen. PBG can be inanimate objects that have malfunctioned and if not fixed can lead to some disaster.

Disaster: Protagonist versus coming disaster and The Man, who along with his supporters are rock-dumb.

Man of Action: Protagonist lands in the middle of a shit storm and must deal with it. Somewhere between Cop and Disaster.

I don't quite include most war movies and epics into the category, although some fall into it.

Lights, Cliché, Action

The Cop Movie is probably the most common action movie and it's plot can be summarized as follows:

A (renegade, retired, disgraced, disillusioned, aging, rookie) (Cop, spy, gunfigther, soldier, pilot, astronaut) is presented with life or death confrontation(s) that only he can deal with because (he's the only expert available, he's the "best we've got", they killed/raped/attacked/kidnapped family, personaly knows the antagonists).

He will have to fight through (henchmen, red tape, malfunctions, mental/physical disability) before being able to confront the antogonist.

When confronting the antagonist, the hero(es). will never be successful before (firing his last shot, firing at last minute, firing with last breath, deceiving PBG into confessing, or PBG coming back when thought dead/captured)

Man of Action movies are generally the same as Cop Movies except they are generally facing some faceless antagonist (swarms of aliens, nature) or multiple bad guys coming from different directions. Man of Action movies generally start out with hero(es) stumbling into the main situation.

Disaster movies contain elements of the other two forms. Take the flawed character from Cop Movie and put them up against A.) The Man, who always listens to his little inner circle and ignores dire warnings of coming disaster. B.) The Man, who realizes shit be goin' down, but has the wrong idea on how to deal with it. The Man is usually supported by a group of village idiots who are just as myopic if not worse. Once said shit hits, Disaster movies often turn into Man of Action movies as the good guys try to deal with the calamity

If the action movie is a buddy or ensemble movie, the protagonists will usually be on opposite ends of some spectrum, but find they have common ground by the end. Internal bickering is important for drama since aliens trying to gut you or a tornado trying to suck up a town is pretty low on the interest meter.

Up next.... Actionnnn: Stupid Movie Tricks