Die Charlie Die

Charlie Sheen has pretty much paraded himself around as the biggest asshole in Hollywood. Not that he definitely is but he is making a case for himself by saying it loud and clear and repeatedly. I so hope this leads to the demise of Two and A Half Men(TAAHM). I hate this show. I can't say that the show doesn't make me laugh when I have seen it but I hate it for what it represents.

Two and A Half Men is lazy television. Unfortunately too many people in the US love these predictable ultra formulaic shows. There is no change in the story and there isn't anything else to balance that fact out. Plenty of sitcoms in the past have relied on relatively static story elements but they were helped with good characters and good acting. TAAHM has little of that. The characters are people I would typically avoid because they are annoying and even when you have good actors it's tough to overcome that.

This leads me to my other huge bitch with the show. Mr. and Mrs. America have crowned this mediocre fucker as King of Comedy because for too many of them actually having to think about a joke makes their head hurt. So while other shows with very smart writing and interesting characters wither away, this sloth rakes in the money. Charlie Sheen making over a Million an episode for a part most actors who aren't brain damaged can pull off is sick. And then there is that little mouth breather of a teenager who has about as much presence as an inflatable doll hanging on a coat rack. $300,000 for that job? Really?

It would be amazing to see what the networks could so if they spent their money developing some really interesting shows. That is not likely to happen as executives don't like to take a chance. If the gamble doesn't pay off you might lose your job so that is understandable. Although I often blame them for this lack of creativity I really should not. When America speaks loud and clear that they like their sitcoms and dramas largely unimaginative then why bother taking a chance?

Preemptive Road Rage

I consider myself a pretty good driver. I make mistakes at times that has potential for problems but those are relatively rare. One point in my favor is a don't drive particularly aggressive. One way I deal with that is by what I call Preemptive Road Rage. I bitch and swear all the time. Anyone who has been in the car with me know I am constantly venting. It keeps me balanced. I have typically called someone a dipshit, asshole, or something similar within a mile. But it is only accurate because there are so many dipshits and assholes on the road. I call them as I see them and I do it often.

You Should See Her Summer House Made of Candy

Adventures in Advertising

I feel a new superlative for advertisements is in call for:

Balls on Chin Good or Balls on Chin Goodness

As in Mother Lover's Sausage Rolls: Man, they are balls on chin good!

With the decline of the traditional family and other societal changes I feel that some of the old superlatives such as Homemade Goodness, Like Mother Used to Make and Old Fashioned just do not resonate with the modern consumer. Now granted this is heavily weighted towards the male consumer but I feel that this will reach some of the female audience as well. Further discussion on ad slogan for products catering to female demographic is needed.

This brings me to my personal ad, Engler, he may be wrong but deep down you know he's right.

Humanitarian of The Year

My leading candidate for Humanitarian of the Year is Lindsay Lohan. Miss Lohan has given millions of people hope in their lives as they realize they are not as big of a fuck up as they previously thought. For the multitude struggling to get by they can look at Linday Lohan and realize "At least I've never been stupid enough to blow the equivalent of a pimped out Maybach hanging at Chateau Marmont." Be it a coke spoon or random penis, Miss Lohan has always grasped the opportunities available to show people that they aren't anywhere near the staggering, incoherent Failure-o-matic that they could be. I salute you Linday Lohan, through your self immolation you are a shining light to the people out there.

If - 4/26/10

As always feel free to play along in the comments

If your friends were to hire an escort for you without warning you beforehand, what qualities do you think they would request?
Does she like REM? Maybe ask if she has a girlfriend she could bring along with her (*cough*belated40thbirthdaygift*cough*)

If you could have a voodoo doll that functioned for one person who would that person be and what would you use it for.
Glenn Beck. I would have him go absolutely apeshit berserk at some huge rally. Maybe have him drop trou and hump Sarah Palin's leg followed by him trying to teabag Anne Coulter. Then of course he would try to strangle someone too just to have him run the gamut. Unfortunately that still may not be enough to stop him.


If you had to choose a television personality to be President of the United States, who would you pick?
Sam Waterston. He's bright, a humanitarian and just has that presidential feel to him.

If you could own a single prop from any film ever made what you choose?
Arthur's black armor from Excalibur, that was badass.

Musical Musings

Can we get Lady Gaga to use caricatures of Muhammad for stage graphics on her next tour?

Has anyone took the time and explained to that nice man Michael Buble that he isn't honoring anyone by doing shitty cover versions of classics?

Does the music system playing James Blunt's "You're Beautiful" followed by Hall & Oates "I Can't Go For That", indicate that The Cheesecake Factory may have become a portal to hell?

Should Creed's new tour be called "Inflated Egos for Deflated Tastes", "You Would Probably Rather Be Kicked in The Genitals" or "Directed By Michael Bay"?

Summer Movie Preview

This is looking like a light Summer in terms of blockbusters. Hopefully there will be the usual surprise or two that will do well because they are actually pretty decent. So here is my take on some of the upcoming movies. Skip to part two if you want to just read me bitching about movies I have not seen.

The Movies I will probably see:

Iron Man 2: I'm crossing my fingers that they don't screw this up. I really enjoyed the first one. This one has one element that worries me as they were a failing of other Superhero movies, a lot of comic book characters. In this case, Black Widow, Whiplash, Justin Hammer and War Machine will hopefully be tied together effectively. As opposed to X-Men 3 which tried to tie in TWO seminal story lines together and failed miserably.

Robin Hood: Russel Crowe has the disctinction of being the beefiest Robin Hood that I can think of. Apparently the deer hunting in Sherwood Forest is pretty good. This story has been done so many times I am really curious to see if they actually have a different take on the story or if they go for the retread and figure most people have forgotten Kevin Costner as Robin of Locksley (Park, New York). Hopefully Ridley Scott has something up his sleeve.

Shrek Forever After: I liked the first two Shrek but I thought the last one was really laboring. It just wasn't that funny. How will this one be, who knows but I will go see it unless maybe it gets beat to shit on Rotten Tomatoes. Looking at the new poster though I see the DreamWorks face is alive and well

Toy Story 3: There is no one and I mean no one who I have more confidence in than the people at Pixar. Being the greedy bastard that I am I would have rather seen a brand new story but I'm sure this will be a winner regardless.

Inception: I am automatically interested in anything directed by Christopher Nolan so I must read more about this flick with DiCaprio.

The Movies I will definitely not see:

Sex and The City 2: Fuck this movie. Do I want to watch a bunch of self absorbed washed up cougars? No, there are all kinds of bars around where I could do that. And don't even try to call me on being sexist, ageist or whatever. I've known plenty of older women who are sexy and don't act like them. Their personalities are grating by different degrees.

The A-Team: A is for Assholes, as in the Assholes who greenlit a movie to be made about a complete piece of shit TV show from the 80's. A is for Aggravation as in the Aggravation I will feel when way too many people will go see it. A is for Amazed, as in I will be thoroughly Amazed if this movies doesn't blow donkey.

Eat Pray Love: New Age Bullshit

I could bring up Piranha 3D but that would be like shooting fish in a barrel. Slow moving, deformed fish in a small barrel. Good to see Elisabeth Shue's career is going well. That's it for now

Gay Straight Man to The Rescue

My gal friends have come to enjoy me as Gay Straight Man (cue theme music..dunt dunt duuhhhh) I talk prom dresses and baking on Monday and watch the NFL draft on Thursday. They can drag me shopping to see bad rom com and yet I persevere. I am the ultimate bench player. I can run in and commiserate on how the faux finish just does not work on that wall or hang with the guys and bitch about the stupid bastard who called a jailbreak blitz without leaving a linebacker to watch the dump off to the running back.

Just in case some of my dear readers may not get the description right, it means I know what a stargazer lily is, understands some color theory and enjoys boobs.

Due to Infrequent and Inconsiderable Demand..

I have decided to start writing in my blog again. Some of my friends actually enjoyed me frothing at the mouth over the past year. I actually enjoyed some of the inane things I wrote. Not sure how often I will get in here. I am guessing it will be a bit slack until after the convention. I have to stare at a computer enough for that as it is.

I read back at some of my old comments. I don't see anything in particular I would disavow at this moment but of course some of the rants are more over the top of what I typically think/say/do. Keep these facts in mind when you read the blog. It's not for kids, people without a sense of humor or someone who really does believe a Donkey Show is fun for the whole family. Even if the donkey is wearing a funny hat.