Goodbye Mom

On January 2nd 2006, my Mother, Myrna Engler passed away from pneumonia. She had been weak from cancer treatment. I was able to get there in time before her sedation became so heavy she was out completely. She couldn't talk but she could see me and hold my hand to let me know she knew I was there supporting her. I went from talking to her, thanking her for my Christmas presents and telling her about what I picked up on sale the day after Christmas to saying goodbye in less than a week. I would have given anything to have here around for just a little while longer.

I still have a hard time thinking that was Mom in the hospital, silent. I talked to Mom a couple of times a week, keeping track on how we were doing and what was new. Restaurants, what moveis were good.. even the mundane was typical, we just enjoyed keeping in touch. She was the one I could always count on being there for me and she understood me better than anyone. Now I can hardly stand to talk to anyone about her without losing it. I know it will get better but it's going to take some doing.

The great maxim is life isn't fair. I was just starting to turn some aspects of my life around and was looking forward to things being better. Mom always said she was proud of me but she would have even been better.

You left too soon Mom. I was planning to come to come to Florida for Christmas next year, we hadn't spent Christmas together for too long. Jenifer and Donnie are going to probably try to start a family soon, if anyone would have been an ideal grandmother it was you. You and Paul were going to go to Paris and also spend a holiday weekend at the Biltmore. You were supposed to be there crying at my wedding when I finallly met the right woman. I thought you were going to be there for a lot more of our lives, in person. You will always be there in spirit, but damn it that isn't enough. It looks like there will always be a missing piece now. When something great happens now it will no longer be an automatic who I call first to share the good news.

There are millions of other things to say, but I don't know what else to say. I'm tired.

Goodbye Mom, I love you and I'm going to miss you.

Steven