Unnatural Selection of the Weak

In what might become a regular piece here I will attempt to discuss people who irritate me because I feel they suck and should stop taking up our valuable oxygen. These are the club-footed gazelles of our world who have been allowed to continue because the lions out there know that if they eat them they will just end up with a bad taste in their mouth and acid indigestion. They are better known as weenies, losers, dorks, douche bags, a-holes etc. My first award winner is someone I saw at Sunday Brunch, I shall call him Dudley.

Dudley is most likely in his late 40's, early 50's. He looks like Wallace Shawn http://us.imdb.com/gallery/ss/0317705/Ss/0317705/TI-015.jpg?path=pgallery&path_key=Shawn,%20Wallace
but with less charm. I first noticed him because, despite his considerable baldness, Dudley grew a long ponytail. You know, feel free to look around. How many ponytails do you see on 50 year old men, Dudley? How many do you see period? If you are trying to compensate for your baldness by growing something that looks like a permed sewer rat pelt stuck to the back of your head, it's just not a good plan.

Dudley is also a weenie of the first magnitude. He walks with a cane, which may be quite legitimate, but might also be from a real touchy bunion. While walking around the buffet, I heard him ask one of the cooks if they used milk in making the mashed potatoes, because he was lactose intolerant and it would make him ill. I stood there looking at him and thinking.. how appropriate that I am across the street from the Warner Bros. lot, this is as much a stereotype as has ever been in a movie.

Another annoying bit. He loudly calls out for the Hispanic waiter, "Senor", in a nasaly voice. Now most of us would have said, "Excuse me or Sir" since this wasn't a mexican restaurant and the waiter spoke English. No Dudley wanted to make the gent feel right at home. Then again, since Dudley only wanted him to take his plate so he could go get more, most of us would have simply slid the plate off to the side and went up without worrying that a dirty dish might disturb the next run at the carved meat.

The unabashed taint of loser on Dudley was such that if I had to admit to being impotent or knowing Dudley, I would flip a coin and if it came up in favor of Dudley I would then call for best 2 out of 3. Gentlemen, if you needed to get rid of an unwanted erection, visualizing Dudley would kill it faster than thinking of road kill, Dick Cheney or Whoopi Goldberg. So, lets hear it for Dudley, my Unnatural Selection for this week so far.